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[eschewings]

// qinghe

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XIMILIA

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[eschewings]

[ in that split-second, huaisang very nearly falls back, so taken aback that he forgets to brace himself for impact — and then, hesitantly, carefully, he hugs wei wuxian back. when is the last time he has embraced someone, genuinely? he doesn't know. his eyes feel like someone has sprinkled some of his friend's preferred spice into them, and he has to look up, swallow heavily, blink the burning sensation away from his eyes.

no, he wants to say, no you're not. a real friend would have looked further than the borders of his own sect and seen the situation his friend was in. a real friend would have done something, back then. it's a needle in his heart, the way he knows that jiang-xiong couldn't do anything, his sect so newly weakened; lan wangji couldn't do anything, his sect too dependent on the jin's help and too enamored with their own rules to see that not everything in life can be governed by a set of instructions to follow.

the nie, however. the nie had emerged from the war — if not unscathed, at least victorious. with influence second only to the jin. with the most righteous, unyielding man heading the sect — when da-ge knew something to be right, he would do it, push for it, regardless of anything. regardless of any opposition.

and there had never, never, been anything that huaisang had asked for and truly meant that da-ge hadn't agreed to give him.

he breathes out, welcomes the wave of grief as he thinks of his brother like an old friend — the pain is a part of him now, familiar as the shape of the braids he puts in his hair every day. he lets it ebb, pulls himself to the surface and thinks, i wasn't a very good friend to him, then. but i can be, now. ]

I'm sorry I wasn't there for you, then, [ he says instead, quiet and honest. honesty doesn't come to him easily; but if anyone deserves it, wei wuxian does. ]

[singlelogbridge]

[You couldn't have been he almost says, and then it doesn't matter. There was a time even after his arrival on the Ximilia when he would have allowed the phrases to slip carelessly from his lips. Nie Huaisang couldn't have done much to sway the events, not back then. And it's true that it doesn't matter to him in so much as he holds no grudge over it and finds his friend faultless in this. He wants to tell him it's nothing to worry about, that it's not even something worth mentioning.

But he's been friends with Uchiha Itachi for too long now for the dismissive words that had once come so easily to spill out of him without thought.

There is power in accountability no matter whether he feels his friend owes it, and there is insult in denying it. Itachi, he thinks, would hate both of those responses. No, that isn't right, not hate. He'd see through them. It's a pain, really. It used to be so easy to minimize his own struggles but now even when the words sit ready at his tongue, he bites them back and thinks about their true meaning.

Now he knows that it isn't affection to wave away Huaisang's apology, but the need to deflect even this small kindness at his expense, to resist even the acknowledgement that one of his loved ones might have done just a little better by him. It makes his insides squirm.

It's a tedious self-awareness and he doesn't like it.

Still, he bites the words back, pulling away and allowing one hand to linger on Huaisang's shoulder.]

I forgive you. [The words are heavy and he hates them, but he says it.]

Whatever happened there, you are and will remain my true friend, Nie Huaisang.

[eschewings]

[ the surprise of the answer blows his eyes wide, for the fraction of a second, before he wrestles his expression under control — he's not needed to hide, here, hasn't wanted to hide. but for this, he believes it is for the best: that he is surprised by wei wuxian's words, the fact that his apology isn't waved away with ease, buried under uncomfortable laughter and dismissive words... he wants to smile, because his friend has grown from the person he once was, into someone who may not yet be comfortable accepting that he might, actually, deserve things in life, but is on the way there —

he wants to smile, and so he does, hiding it behind his fan.

and then, when the hand on his shoulder withdraws, he snaps his fan shut and bows. ]

You too, Wei Wuxian. I'm glad to be able to call you my friend.

[singlelogbridge]

[In his time here aboard the Ximilia, Wei Wuxian has been fortunate to meet and grow to care about a number of people from different worlds and universes. Nie Huaisang though, is different. Nie Huaisang is from the same corner of the universe as him, the same world, and the same little piece of it. He has of course always been fond of Nie Huaisang, but what he feels for him now—and especially in this moment—is so much more than the boyhood friendship they'd once had.

He does not know if it's the kind of friendship they'll have again—that Huaisang will have again with whatever version of Wei Wuxian emerges after Huaisang's regret is fulfilled. He hopes that they'll find their way to this place again. He wouldn't want other Nie Huaisangs and Wei Wuxians to miss out on it.]

You know, [he smiles and this time it has some spark to it with just the slightest hint of mischief] if the two of us ever set our mind to something together, the world wouldn't stand a chance. [And for all that he's realizing they could do a lot of damage together, for the moment all that matters is that they could likely do a lot of good. The sects wouldn't know what hit them.]

Let's be friends again in the future, okay? I want you by my side. [Memory or no, different versions of themselves or no. Even if it takes another life to have it, he's determined. After a contemplative silence, he speaks again, voice gone soft.]

I was planning to stay here. I don't know what it'll mean now if I do. Do you think...will it mess things up? If I'm supposed to come back?

[It occurs to him very suddenly that even with this revelation and knowing he could return, that he could be reunited with Lan Zhan and live out his days in some semblance of peace, he doesn't want it. He doesn't want any of it. He wants to stay with Itachi. He wants to laugh with Viveca and play music with Degar. He wants to remains with those of his Ximilia family who will stay. Does that make him terrible, he wonders?]

[eschewings]

[ let's be friends again, wei wuxian says, and huaisang feels nothing but grateful — maybe they will never have this again, the kind of friendship they've been able to build here... but that's okay. he knows it's possible, now. and whatever they will have in the future, it'll be just as good, even if it's different. ]

I'd be honoured, [ he says, sincere, fighting the urge to bow again.

as his friend continues, huaisang falls silent; it isn't a surprise, exactly, hearing what he means to do... because he knows wei wuxian, after all. and, he thinks, yes, it might mess things up, on whatever timeline they have created —

but then again, huaisang himself will never return to his own, original one. they've both branched timelines, already, for better or for worse. and besides — ]

You're supposed to do what you want to do, Wei-xiong. That timeline... it'll just have to do without you. Maybe it will mess things up. Maybe not. But it's no longer your concern.

[singlelogbridge]

Supposed to do...[He smiles wryly, shaking his head.] I don't know if I believe that, but I know I want to stay. The life I've made here is—[He cuts himself off and glances away, one finger rising to scratch at the side of his nose.]

Ah, well. I'd meant to tell you anyway and it will make more sense. Itachi asked me to stay. Um, with him. And I want to because we're, well. [He huffs, amused at his own shyness. He hasn't actually told anyone before.] I love him, deeply. And he loves me too for some reason. [He smiles again, soft as he thinks of the bond that he and Itachi share. Of the love that he wouldn't have ever anticipated that had grown between them.]

It feels strange to choose not to go back, but I want to stay with him, even knowing I could choose to return. [And it isn't even something he has to think about. It's barely a choice at all. He wants to stay in the place where his heart resides.]