[ in that split-second, huaisang very nearly falls back, so taken aback that he forgets to brace himself for impact — and then, hesitantly, carefully, he hugs wei wuxian back. when is the last time he has embraced someone, genuinely? he doesn't know. his eyes feel like someone has sprinkled some of his friend's preferred spice into them, and he has to look up, swallow heavily, blink the burning sensation away from his eyes.
no, he wants to say, no you're not. a real friend would have looked further than the borders of his own sect and seen the situation his friend was in. a real friend would have done something, back then. it's a needle in his heart, the way he knows that jiang-xiong couldn't do anything, his sect so newly weakened; lan wangji couldn't do anything, his sect too dependent on the jin's help and too enamored with their own rules to see that not everything in life can be governed by a set of instructions to follow.
the nie, however. the nie had emerged from the war — if not unscathed, at least victorious. with influence second only to the jin. with the most righteous, unyielding man heading the sect — when da-ge knew something to be right, he would do it, push for it, regardless of anything. regardless of any opposition.
and there had never, never, been anything that huaisang had asked for and truly meant that da-ge hadn't agreed to give him.
he breathes out, welcomes the wave of grief as he thinks of his brother like an old friend — the pain is a part of him now, familiar as the shape of the braids he puts in his hair every day. he lets it ebb, pulls himself to the surface and thinks, i wasn't a very good friend to him, then. but i can be, now. ]
I'm sorry I wasn't there for you, then, [ he says instead, quiet and honest. honesty doesn't come to him easily; but if anyone deserves it, wei wuxian does. ]
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no, he wants to say, no you're not. a real friend would have looked further than the borders of his own sect and seen the situation his friend was in. a real friend would have done something, back then. it's a needle in his heart, the way he knows that jiang-xiong couldn't do anything, his sect so newly weakened; lan wangji couldn't do anything, his sect too dependent on the jin's help and too enamored with their own rules to see that not everything in life can be governed by a set of instructions to follow.
the nie, however. the nie had emerged from the war — if not unscathed, at least victorious. with influence second only to the jin. with the most righteous, unyielding man heading the sect — when da-ge knew something to be right, he would do it, push for it, regardless of anything. regardless of any opposition.
and there had never, never, been anything that huaisang had asked for and truly meant that da-ge hadn't agreed to give him.
he breathes out, welcomes the wave of grief as he thinks of his brother like an old friend — the pain is a part of him now, familiar as the shape of the braids he puts in his hair every day. he lets it ebb, pulls himself to the surface and thinks, i wasn't a very good friend to him, then. but i can be, now. ]
I'm sorry I wasn't there for you, then, [ he says instead, quiet and honest. honesty doesn't come to him easily; but if anyone deserves it, wei wuxian does. ]